“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
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astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.