“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
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Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism