I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
You Might Also Like
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Stop sending me this shit.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*