I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Rooting for the overdog
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
The 6 types of sex
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME