I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
mentally somewhere in italy
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”