@junejuly12

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

@Garblemarble

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

@krisv_723

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

@WineMummy

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

@HatfieldAnne

If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.

@wjflowers

“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.

@OneFunnyMummy

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

@Ygrene

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal