I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
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My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.