I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
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Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all