I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
You Might Also Like
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Check out the legs on this baby
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding