I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way