Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?