Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Childbirth is so beautiful

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.