I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
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If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.