Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

I am HOWLING at this

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones