I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My current situation
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots