I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Selfie
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.