Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out