Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

Some people were born into their job.

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?