I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
They got Raph!
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.