Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.