Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

😅🤣😂

next question.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*