“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?