Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

Seems kinda suspicious

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

phew

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

my favorite gender

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.