@ThisOneSayz

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

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@LorieGZ

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

@DaddyJew

“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.

@AmericanGent69

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

@junejuly12

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

@Matt_The_1st

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

@LostFelicia

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

@Love_bug1016

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

@AnExocticBeach

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit