"I wonder what drinking fur would be like?" ~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Don’t blame me for acting like a baby, I was born that way.

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