“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.