“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
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I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.