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Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Ron is short for Aaronald
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
freezing your eggs now has a whole new meaning
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.