You Might Also Like
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
the prophecy has been fulfilled
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.