Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.