Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

ㅤ

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.