Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

#NeverForget

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

I feel this so hard

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS