Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

a fate I wish upon no one

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero