Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.