Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.