Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
Me: I hate you
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.
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Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Oh, you’re a ceiling fan? Name three ceilings.
Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.
Don’t get too excited about my shoe size ladies, I have to be able to fit orthopedic insoles in there
My armpits smell like garlic bread.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,