@Mikecanrant

I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.

You Might Also Like

@BunAndLeggings

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

@JustMeTurtle

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

@EndhooS

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

@fro_vo

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

@hazelmotes1

Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.

@portmanteauface

Don’t get too excited about my shoe size ladies, I have to be able to fit orthopedic insoles in there

@ramblinma

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

@knot_eye

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!