Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

me watching my own Instagram story

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.