Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”