i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
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It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
The Eggorcist
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*