I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
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There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y