I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
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Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen