I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
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Every BBC series about the universe.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.