Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…