I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
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Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
no exceptions
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
i meant to share this earlier
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.