I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
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Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
😭😭😭😭
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings