Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

Awesome parenting 😂

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”