I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.


Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?


We are the people our parents warned us about.


A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.


A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he’s naked.


*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles


An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.