I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
You Might Also Like
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My teenage children choosing violence
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?