@jordan_stratton

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

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@Duke1173

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

@turtledumplin

Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?

@TinaMav

We are the people our parents warned us about.

@SaltyCorpse

A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.

@rolldiggity

A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he’s naked.

@mattZillaaaa

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

@mjkspeaks

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.