I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
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Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Cashiers are always checking me out
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since