I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
You Might Also Like
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers