Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.