I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
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[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.