Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

Them: You should try keto
Me:

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.