I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
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any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested