I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
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January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”