I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
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My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
When news reporters do sports stories
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do