I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
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Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
multitasking lunch
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.