Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?