I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
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Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.