Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.