I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
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That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz