Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.