I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.