I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
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VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
smartest karate player in the world
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too