I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
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Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol