“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
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Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
I will never stop laughing at this
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
We could have had frying pans with radios connected to them.
But, no, instead we have all this!
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
