Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.