I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?