I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
it be like that
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I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
wtf is an acronym
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call