I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
How do you milk an almond?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.