Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done