Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

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Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

i was dropped as an adult

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.