Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day