I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
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On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure