I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
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friend saw this guy on the apps lol
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I hate everything
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The news
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby