I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
You Might Also Like
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.