I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
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ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old