just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
$4 #usedbooks
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex