I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
birds and squirrels envy us
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.