Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

WHY would you be happy about this?

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?