Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

Woke up with morning Yule Log

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate