Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
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me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.